I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
