The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
