my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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