I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
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We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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