I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
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yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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