im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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