Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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