Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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