I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
