thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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