If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
