My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
