You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
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I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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