The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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