She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
