i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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