i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
