he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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