When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever