You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
