Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
