Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
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i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
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I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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