when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
