taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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