yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
