my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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