Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
