if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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