we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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