LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
