You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
