Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
A bitchslap is in order.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
