I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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