my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
that is very illegal...i love you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
