I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
