i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
