I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
