he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
