i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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