You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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