I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
