i need an iv and a liver transplant
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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