I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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