Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
