My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
