I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
