how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
