it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
