my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
ok first of all what the fuck
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
