after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
