He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
