my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
