Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
