oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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