I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
