i don't like sucking hair
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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